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Nov. 16th, 2009

randomness mixed with heart ache mixed with goosebumps!

I sit here as a single tear drop rolls down my cheek. It seems these years have had an affect on me. All the lessons were'nt enough for the realisation im just a lonley tear drop in the ocean. You'd think a girl would learn not to put her whole heart out there. The bigger picture scares me, the facts of life disgust me. For every word i write a child dies, for every second i waste another is born. Is'nt life sick how we just replace? It scares me that one day i will be replaced. I sit back and watch and what i see frightens me. I lay down and listen and wait for silence but it never arrives. I try to stop my self from feeling but it only gets worse. Its a vicious cycle but we all must live it.

i carry you with me

Once apon a time i couldnt see my life without you
One year gone, ive come along way,
and when we meet again i got a piece of you my friend
i carry you with me,
I stare at your headstone, they left somthing out,
It doesnt mention how much we miss you,
The pain doesnt seem to fade,
But thankfuly neigther do the memories,
But I remember every fight every crazy drunken night
i carry you with me,
to every dark and unfamiliar place,
i carry you with me,
your in my heart and in my mind, captured in memorie,
a place where friendship never dies,
a place i cherish the most.
thats where i carry you with me.

Jul. 18th, 2009

i had a dream


I had a dream,
I saw the ghost of my past
He made it clear that one day I'd have to
Answer for what I had done,

The choices you make
They will follow you your entire life,
You will wake up to them every morning,
They will be the last thing you see at night,
You can never undo what you have done,


I’m not a prophet and I’m not a martyr
I haven’t made any great sacrifice
I just try to carry my burdens
I keep trying to do what is right
It's hard to do right sometimes,
It’s even harder to distinguish what is wrong and what is right

Jun. 22nd, 2009

today is an important day……. revelations


To you,

            I’ve spent my whole life being told by you that I’m a mistake, that I’m useless , that I’m worthless and that I will never be any body.
            I have come to this sudden realization that you’re wrong because I am not a mistake, in fact, I’m a miracle. I am not useless, I have affected countless people in my 21 years, and if I died tomorrow there would be countless people that would be affected by it, because I am one of a few people who relies the power in a kind word, a simple smile and a favor that does not need to be returned, and these attributes have given me countless friends. How can I be useless when I have saved a life, when I have graduated high school, when I have a certificate 4 in both youth work and community service?
I am not worthless because my worth to countless people of whom I love cannot be measured.
            I will no longer live in the shadow of your doubt. I will no longer hide in fear. I will no longer be a lesser person because I’m afraid that if I fail you will never let me forget it. I will no longer let you scare me into being you.
            I can’t wait to see your face when you relies how special I am, and when it comes to recognition I will give you none. All you did was break me down, and left me to build my self back up so that I was stronger and because of this for many years I was an empty shell. I no you will never read this, but I sware to you all you have done to me, all the pain you have caused, has turned me into a compassionate, strong and determined woman. And I will not die until I have some justice for what you have done.
You can’t hurt me now, and you will never hurt me again! I will be the victor, I will conquer my own demons that you bought me, and I will make those demons my servants, and I will be everything ive dreamt of, and you will always be a rapist.

Jun. 15th, 2009

Trouble in paradise

So to start with I hate clubbing, but the fact I have a younger girlfriend I have to endure it. Second of all I hate bimbos, I hate girls that wear a bucket load of make up for cover there natural beauty, and act dumb when there intelligent, these to factors are a major part of why im so hurt, and angry right now. Ok so here’s what happened. We went to my girlfriends favourite club on Thursday night, I brought us a round of drinks, then she disappeared, me being me, I was worried, I went around looking for her with one of my best mates, my mate quickly turned me the other way and said lets go out side have a smoke I gota warn you about something. She proceded to tell me my girlfriend of 3 years, was dancing with this bimbo, I went and looked for my self, now dancing would have been fine, but groping, grinding on her leg, and practically doing everything but actually cheating on me. I didn’t want to ruin her night so I left her the entire night, I think we left the stupid club at 7am, I got very very wasted, and when we got out I lost my cool, and I went ballistic, her response was, im young, I want to act my age, I didn’t cheat, I was just having fun! So now here I am sitting in my room playing nba streets, pissed off. Really fucking down, and I hav’nt had my anti-depressants in 3 days coz I cant afford to buy them! I have no idea what to do. Im fucked. I mean nats the first to admit that were inlove, and she cant see the future without me, but then she wants to have fun. I'm not going to brake up with her, but i also cant just let her do this. Im madly inlove with this girl, and where stuck in this position where she wants to live her teenage years. I offered to have a break where she can fool around and do what she wants, but she doesnt want that. How can i give her what she wants but make it right. I lived my teenage years, i partyed, had random hookups, and did all that rubbish but i took those years from her, we started dateing when she was 17, and i was 19, shes now 20 and im almost 22. I've always given her what she wanted, but i dont no how to this time.

Jun. 11th, 2009

why

Why is a question we, people, human beings, living creatures, are frequently asked. The answer to this question is never wrong or right. That may be the beauty of it. The fact that unlike test’s we see at school, University or any other place we go to expand our knowledge, the answer is what ever you would like it to be, no right or wrong, just how ever you perceive it.
When faced with this question, every individual would come up with there own personal answer. An answer that relates to them, that they connect with.
For me, as an individual, with my own story, this question is one I ask my self each and everyday.
Some may never have asked them selves, WHY? Probably because it’s not the easiest question to ask, it’s a deep question. It can mean anything. It can be a life changing question. Some may be to afraid to ask them selves, others may never of even taken the time to stop and think.
You may be thinking, how can a one word question change our lives, how is it deep?
Well in response I ask you to think about it, why? Base it on any part of your life, and you will infact find your self questioning why in fact that part of your life is the way it is. The question may be small, but it is incomprehendabel how big it really is.
Why is the first thing I believe we should wake up and ask our selves each morning? Why am I going to work today? Why am I here? Why am I who I am? I think this small but huge question could infact save a life, or change the world.
Imagine if everyone who is sad asked them selves why? And came up with an answer, an understanding, or even better a solution. Could this one question abolish suicide? Could this one question stop terrorism? Could it make someone stop, question, and think about why they are doing what they are doing?
For such a small question, such a small word, it seems to me that it infact may be one of the most powerful weapons we can arm our selves with.
To you I ask, not why, but why not?

Jun. 10th, 2009

Random act of loneliness


This world never seizes to amaze me. Sometimes I feel so lonely, yet I’m surrounded by noise and chaos. Hundreds of people going about there day not one of them looks at me, or notices I’m there. Thousands of thoughts race through my head. I’ve always been a curious person, I’ve always had lots of questions, and I’ve always felt a lot.
Sometimes I think I feel lonely only relies that there’s probably a billion people feeling the exact same thing at the exact same time in this world.
Isn’t it strange that we can feel so alone in a world full of people?
That we can feel so lost, when there has to be a greater reason to why we are here. There are always a million things racing through my head. Why am I the way I am? What is my purpose? Why do things happen to me that I cannot control? Why I am I even writing this. There has to be answers. Everything happens for a reason. People can’t be born only to grow old and die. Everyone has a destiny right? How do you figure out what yours is? My brother always told me as a child to always take time to notice what you’re drawn to. And when the same thing keeps coming up, that’s what you’re meant to do. I find I’m always drawn to people, lots of different types of people, males, females, different races, different colors’, different sexual orientations, it really doesn’t bother me, as long as you don’t judge me, and as long as you love to talk and listen. I find that I’m constantly helping people, and I love it, I thrive on it. Just the other day I was having a beer waiting for my friends down at the pub, and a 60 year old lady sat next to me, she didn’t say anything, she just sat down, I introduced my self, and we began talking, we spoke for over an hour, she told me her life story, I just listened, she cried, she laughed and she cried again, all the while I just sat there and listened to this lonely old soul. I hailed her a taxi and she went home with a smile on her face, and I went on with my night and played pool with my friends. But I come to this same point each time I think of what I’m meant to do, I want to help people, yes, but I’m not that simple, I want to do more. My heroes are, Gandhi, Mother Teresa and Martin Luther King. They each have changed this world for the better. If I could achieve half the peace they brought into this world id be happy. But the problem is how can I achieve something so much greater then me, am I capable. How can I help people heal when I haven’t even healed my self?

Jun. 8th, 2009

everyone changes....right

 

Everyone changes right? Is'nt it vertually impossible to go through your life without changing, without growig as a person? Without going through experiences and learning from them, and in turn growing and changing. Is'nt this what life is about? Learning from your mistakes? Making sure that when you make a mistake you learn from it...and grow..and change.
Ive learnt alot since ive moved away, ive grown up alot and in turn i have changed. I will continue to change. I am proud of the fact that i have learnt so much in these 3 years. Theres things i would have never learnt if i hadnt moved here, theres experiences i wouldnt of had if i didnt move here. And there are friends i wouldnt of made, and sadly also friends i thought i had that i really dont. I can say that moving to sydney has shown me who my true friends are, and althought this has made it a painful and eye opening experience, im glad that i have seen who they are. And im sad to say that i can now count my true friends on one hand.
My question for you is: Can a friend (a best friend) change so much so that you wouldnt want to have contact with them any more? And you'd ignore there calls, not reply to messages?
My answer is: Simply, no. I will stick by my handful of true friends till the day i die. i will love there changes and be proud there growing as people.

Your answer?

Jun. 1st, 2009

good day


so i just got home from an awesome day with nati, she finished work at 11am, we went to olympic park did a clue hunt thing through the heritage area part of sydney olympic park, i learnt a fair bit, then we went on a tandom bike ride through bicentenial park, had alot of laughs and almost ran over a few 100 people, and almost crashed into the water. Then we went to her house with her sisters and had dinner, and then went for a few quiet drinks at our local pub. A good start to hopefuly s good month.

On a different note ive been reading a book about the african president, and what a disgraceful man he is! Makes me sicker each time i find out a new and horrific way h treats his people.

So this is live journal

first post, i feel like i should say somthing exciting or interesting.... but really i only signed up to this because i had nothing else to do coz ive been up for the past 24 hours. not really sure what im suppose to do in this thing...well its a journal so i guess ill say what i have done today....or what im going to do.....im meeting up with my girl shortly......n then we dont no what were doing......probably go see a movie or somthing.... i spose i could tell u somthing about me.....im 21...from australia....love meeting new people....im studying to be a youth worker, then plan to further my studies and become a psych...i play soccer on the weekend's with some close friends in a local comp, i grew up in the country and i miss my family and friends dearly. Im a very emotional person, and i love meeting new people!
 

i look forward to doing this again it was fun!

xx